So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
