i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
