Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
