I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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