i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
