Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
