come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
