then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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