I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
