I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
