dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
