I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
