Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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