My hand turned me down
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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