Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
