Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
