Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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