If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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