I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
