dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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