Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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