You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
farters have to be the big spoon...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
