he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The uberlube is also flammable
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
