God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
