Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you traded sex for a burrito?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
