We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
