Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
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I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
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How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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