the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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