Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
