yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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