I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
