There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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