That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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