dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
