weddingsv make me drug and hornr
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
