ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
