i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
