Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
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You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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