dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
