I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
