What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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