When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
