I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
