im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
