Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
