this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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