How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.