I wish I could teleport
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"