I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
