Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
