If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
