Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
