Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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