Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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