his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
