You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
